As anyone who has followed my writing, you would know that I am an advocate for living and working abroad, and I enjoy sharing what I have learned from my time overseas. I have experienced many things during my time in Italy, but this is one experience I could never have imagined sharing — surviving loss abroad. They say that losing a loved one can be one of the most stressful events in life. It can make or break you. I can tell you now that these words don’t resonate until it happens to you. On February 6, 2022, I learned just how much that statement is true.
I lost my husband, my companion, my life partner, and my best friend, and while it doesn’t matter what you call our relationship, we spent the past 12 years together. Through good and bad times, we were doing it together as a team navigating all that life throws at you.
Now, I must leave that life and our joint plans behind and navigate an unknown future. When the comfort of having the right partner is no longer possible, sadness and fear sink in immediately.
While my journey of healing and moving forward is in the early stages, I’ve learned the following from dealing with my loss.
One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.
— Brené Brown
10 tips on how to survive the loss of a loved one.
- Open up.
- Get professional help.
- Form a support network.
- Take care of business.
- Live in the present.
- Be assertive.
- Take care of yourself.
- Accept change.
- Go easy on yourself.
- Help someone else.
1. Open up.
Naturally, you may not want to see anyone at first, but the sooner you let people in, the better it will be for you. I didn’t want to be needy but let’s face it, you are when you are dealing with the loss of a loved one. You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t. I am lucky to have a supportive network of family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues. Your network will offer to jump on a plane to be with you, check in on you, cook for you, walk your dog, take you out, do your shopping, take projects on to reduce your workload, etc. All I can say is let those around you help. Surviving loss and healing while abroad will be painfully slow if you try to do it alone.
I’m an introvert, so this was a significant change for me – letting others help me. While I could be better at letting people in, I’ve learned that it has been a helpful and positive experience when I do. So, if you want to be more open with people, do these nine things.
2. Get professional help.
I can’t stress how important this is. Your family, friends, and community are crucial but having an objective view, and a professional trained in helping people rebuild their lives after losing a loved one is essential. As I’m usually not an open person, I was skeptical and thought my first session would be my last session. The opposite is true. I continue to see my therapist to this day. On top of that, my therapist also has dual citizenship and understands cultural differences. I can communicate in my native language, and I know that my therapist understands the cultural differences between the United States and Italy.
Regardless of your need – surviving loss abroad, stress, burnout, depression, etc. — it is no longer taboo to seek help. Due to the pandemic, support for mental well-being has become front and center for employees and employers worldwide. Today, people acknowledge that mental health is as important as physical health. On a positive note, many companies now have mental well-being support networks. So, if you work in a large company, check in with your HR or Benefits department to see what services are available to you. Check with your healthcare provider if your company doesn’t offer these services. You can also look into group therapy which can help minimize the cost. If you need help finding or vetting a therapist, here’s a helpful resource on how to find a therapist.
3. Form a support network.
Outside of therapy, you’ll need a core network to help you survive your loss. These are trusted friends and family close by or a phone call away. You’ll have good and bad days, anxiety attacks, depression, and many ups and downs. Having someone close by to talk through your feelings will help with the healing process. I make it a point to speak with my support network daily. We check in at the same time. Sometimes this is just an IM that everything is ok, or it is a conversation to talk through my feelings. My support group also holds me accountable for the actions I want to take and the behaviors I want to change. While it can be hard to ask for help, this is what friends and family are for; just be there for them when they need your support. You can also find comfort in joining a gym, volunteering, and other social activities. Tap into this tool to beat stress.
4. Take care of business.
With the loss of a loved one, there will be the bureaucratic “stuff” to address – wills, insurance, bills, closing and opening accounts, investments, taxes, property, pensions, etc. Prioritize and organize these activities. Some will be time-sensitive, while other items can wait. I can assure you that the cleaning up and administrative “stuff” is the energy-draining and heartless part of losing someone. It is also when you genuinely get to know a person’s character. Money and material items can often bring out the worst in the people around us. As with anything, understand the laws and your rights. To do that, work through your network. There will be someone who can recommend a lawyer or who has lived through a similar experience. Here’s a financial checklist for when your spouse dies.
5. Live in the present.
Don’t get trapped in the past; don’t think too far ahead. I can tell you from experience that dwelling on the past will keep you stuck there. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t remember the good times. On the other hand, thinking too far ahead will parallelize you. I often get the question, will you go home, back to the States? While there are many options of where I can live, I don’t need to figure that out today. Surviving loss abroad means trying to take it one day at a time. Thinking too far into the future brings uncertainty and fear, detracting from what you need to do today. If you need help living in the present, read how to start living in the moment and stop worrying.
6. Be assertive.
Don’t be aggressive, don’t be passive, be assertive. Be confident and clear about what you want or need. Stand up for yourself. Why is this important? You don’t want to get sucked into other family members’ issues, dramas, or problems at your expense. You can still help others; just stay on top of your needs and interests. If you need help being assertive, check out seven powerful habits that make you more assertive.
7. Take care of yourself.
Not only should you take care of yourself, spoil yourself – you deserve it. When surviving the loss of a loved one, It is easy to get into the habit of rolling out of bed, putting on the same clothes from the past few days, and going through the motions. I’m not proud of it, but there were days that I didn’t even brush my teeth. You become a prisoner of your situation, and this is not good. Self-love is not only permitted but necessary. You will feel better if you take care of yourself – your health, body, and mind. In the end, you will feel better about yourself, and your outlook on life will improve. Self-love means putting yourself first, caring for your body and mind, and doing the activities you love. Here’s how to focus on yourself – and only yourself.
8. Accept change.
This is one of the hardest parts of loss. Your life will never be as it was. Surviving the loss of a loved one means you will be forced to start over. While a fresh start can be exciting, it is also frightening, especially when you are not looking for it. The sooner you accept this, the quicker you’ll move on. That’s not to say that you won’t make mistakes and slip back into the past. Are you resistant to change? Then check out your five-step resilience exercise for accepting change.
9. Go easy on yourself.
You are only human. Know that you will have good and bad days. Writing my feelings down or journaling helps me work through problems and bring about the changes I’m trying to make. Need help? Here are nine little ways to go easy on yourself right now.
10. Help someone else.
Helping others takes the focus off ourselves. It can also bring satisfaction and improve mental health, among other positive benefits. From experience, helping others provides perspective and can give us purpose. Volunteering your time might not be the first thing that comes to mind when surviving the loss of a loved one, but it will become an integral part of the healing process. Read about the seven scientific benefits of helping others.
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not “get over” the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.
— Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler
